Mulled Wine

The festivities may have finished (and then some) but Mulled Wine is still A-OKAY to drink!

Recipe: Gently heat 1 bottle of red wine in a pan, add a Mulled Wine spice bag, 4 table spoons of sugar, 4 shots of Amaretto, 4 shots of Brandy and another 4 shots of Amaretto. Serve in a mug.

Mull of Kintyre

Some songs are so bad their good. This one is sooo bad its awesome.

Mullets

Mullets! Shit yes.

Whereas the JLS johnnys are designed for a sensual approach, the Take That condoms are ideal for the back-of-a-taxi moment or down-an-alley encounter.

Each member of the group will have their own coloured box with their face on it and there will be subtle differences in the products. Gary Barlow’s are for fat cocks, Mark Owen’s for the smaller man and the Robbie Williams condoms must be kept in the closet.

But Scientists warn that although the Jason Orange and Howard Donald ones may look like perfectly good condoms but they don’t actually do anything.

Other pop stars thought to be cashing in are Olly Murs who is releasing his own lubricant made from pure grease and Shakin’ Stevens who has inspired a new brand of vibrator.

After spending all of August in Edinburgh and almost all of September in Wetherspoons we’re back to bring you the street-performer-most themed election yet.

As a rule of thumb ALL street performers are bell-ends. That’s just a basic science fact. But there are always exceptions to the rules and we’re bringing you the best street performances Edinburgh had to offer.

Best viewed with a Special Brew.

THE Elvis

Luckily all Elvis impersonators go for the drunk, drugged, jump-suited, no shame era.

Mumford and Cousins

Truly original.

Also starring a guy (probably Scottish) who wants to make sure the “cousins” know exactly how much money he’s giving them.

bagpipes

As good as Scotch music gets. Twinkle on.

Dancing Dudes

Eh?

Pan Pipe Fan – Gran

How much do you love the pan pipes? Nowhere near as much as this old lady. Considering her lack of mobility she is going proper off the hook in this video. So much so that she has to mop the sweat off her brow at the end.

Uptown Boy

He’s been living in his uptown world.

I bet he’s never had a backstreet guy. Well head up the road Uptown Boy and have one of these tools…

Backstreet (Public School) Boys

Tools.

Special mention to the beat-boxing tool at the back who’s miming playing the drums.

Literally a man with a keyboard standing between 2 trees (in a park)

Honestly he is LITERALLY a man with a keyboard standing between 2 trees (in a park)! Literally.

Now YOU decide!

Jesus and Judas had always got on well with Jesus helping Judas with the odd miracle hither and tither. When Judas invited 5000 of his closest mates to a beach party and failed to lay on any food other than 2 loaves of bread and some fish, Jesus stepped in and quickly whipped something up.

But Jesus wouldn’t help with a proposed new foot-washing business and Judas retaliated by playing a few pranks. He replaced Jesus’s horse with a little donkey, making him look a right berk as he rode into Jerusalem, and then loosened the top on the salt seller at the last supper, ruining Jesus’s potato waffles.

Jesus always turned the other cheek but the shit really hit the fan when Jesus refused to turn 500 litres of carbonated water into Champagne, leaving Judas 30 pieces of silver out of pocket.

In other news, on page 3 we meet Eve, from Eden, age unknown. She’s as naked as the day she was…created from one of Adam’s ribs.  She likes apples but dislikes rules!

On the one hand, good ol’ Patrick’s jokes weren’t that great (they were terrible) but on the other hand, James Corden really is a fat cunt. He also squared up to a man who’s 69. Nice one, James.

Patrick did impart one piece of great advice for fat Corden – “If you fancy the Jonas Brothers, cover you’re belly.” That’s good advice and no mistake.

But the question is does James fancy the Jonas Brothers? There’s only one way to tell. He can either buy a Gin Riot exclusive “If you fancy the Jonas Brothers” T-SHIRT that covers up his fat belly proving once and for all that he doesn’t.

Or, he can buy a Gin Riot exclusive “If you fancy the Jonas Brothers” CROP TOP that shows off his “hideous” fat belly proving once and for all that he does (unless he’s just showing his belly as again as the punchline to his “joke”)

The choice, James, is yours.

Prices start from £99.99 and sizes available for James are XXXXL or medium.