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Twilight

See Bella (girl). See Edward (vampire).
Bella like Edward. Edward like Bella.
Bella in trouble.
See Edward run (super-humanly-fast)
Run Edward, run (super-humanly-fast).
Edward save Bella.
Some kissing.
THE END

Eddie running like a mad fool (to save Bella no doubt)

Twilight Saga: New Bloody Moon

See Jacob (werewolf) with no shirt on
Some kissing
THE END

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Print off, cut out and keep the 2 books in your wallet for future reference.

So now you’re all caught up – whats the new film like? Well we haven’t seen it but we’re gonna go out on a limb and guess.
Utter cack. No stars (out of 20)

Others said it was “uniquely bad; this one is a threshold-breaker with a different sound, the crack of rock-bottom giving way to a whole deeper layer of magma.” (Rick Groen of The Globe and Mail)

And the movie featured on several worst of 2008 lists including that of The Times, Mark Kermode, The New York Observer and The Daily Telegraph.

But what about Sex and the City 2? What’s THAT like as a film, you may well ask?

It’s shit. No stars (out of 5)

We give Avatar – 2 stars (out of 7!)

Also – this from HowItShouldHaveEnded.com

Or they are reviled, hated and stuck in prison like Gary Glitter, a measly (compared to old Edward) 65 but still an absolute effing C-bag.

Poor old Gary. There’s very little between them.They even have exactly the same hairstyle.

And that’s not where the similarities end! Well…actually it is where they end. At least Gary released 2 banging songs before everyone realised what an absolute effing C-bag. What has Edward Cullen ever done? Nothing probably.

Right then, the review.

SPOILER ALERT: Twilight and all the sequels are absolute cack.

Obviously we haven’t read or seen any of them – and never will – but if we had to guess then we reckon Bella will totally become a vampire in the end. It’s that shit.

There will be some to-ing and fro-ing, and she’ll like that Werewolf dude for a film because he’s got good abs, but Robert Pattinson has signed on to play Edward Cullen again in the third film so she’s bound to hook up with him and settle down in the last part of the trilogy.

She’ll probably need some reason to leave her totally awesome family who she totally loves, so either they all get totally killed OR they totally will get killed if she doesn’t become a vampire OR he totally gets her up the stick. OR something else equally totally shit.

Who knows? Not us! That’s for sure!!!!

We give New Moon – No Stars.