Mulled Wine

The festivities may have finished (and then some) but Mulled Wine is still A-OKAY to drink!

Recipe: Gently heat 1 bottle of red wine in a pan, add a Mulled Wine spice bag, 4 table spoons of sugar, 4 shots of Amaretto, 4 shots of Brandy and another 4 shots of Amaretto. Serve in a mug.

Mull of Kintyre

Some songs are so bad their good. This one is sooo bad its awesome.

Mullets

Mullets! Shit yes.

Whereas the JLS johnnys are designed for a sensual approach, the Take That condoms are ideal for the back-of-a-taxi moment or down-an-alley encounter.

Each member of the group will have their own coloured box with their face on it and there will be subtle differences in the products. Gary Barlow’s are for fat cocks, Mark Owen’s for the smaller man and the Robbie Williams condoms must be kept in the closet.

But Scientists warn that although the Jason Orange and Howard Donald ones may look like perfectly good condoms but they don’t actually do anything.

Other pop stars thought to be cashing in are Olly Murs who is releasing his own lubricant made from pure grease and Shakin’ Stevens who has inspired a new brand of vibrator.

After spending all of August in Edinburgh and almost all of September in Wetherspoons we’re back to bring you the street-performer-most themed election yet.

As a rule of thumb ALL street performers are bell-ends. That’s just a basic science fact. But there are always exceptions to the rules and we’re bringing you the best street performances Edinburgh had to offer.

Best viewed with a Special Brew.

THE Elvis

Luckily all Elvis impersonators go for the drunk, drugged, jump-suited, no shame era.

Mumford and Cousins

Truly original.

Also starring a guy (probably Scottish) who wants to make sure the “cousins” know exactly how much money he’s giving them.

bagpipes

As good as Scotch music gets. Twinkle on.

Dancing Dudes

Eh?

Pan Pipe Fan – Gran

How much do you love the pan pipes? Nowhere near as much as this old lady. Considering her lack of mobility she is going proper off the hook in this video. So much so that she has to mop the sweat off her brow at the end.

Uptown Boy

He’s been living in his uptown world.

I bet he’s never had a backstreet guy. Well head up the road Uptown Boy and have one of these tools…

Backstreet (Public School) Boys

Tools.

Special mention to the beat-boxing tool at the back who’s miming playing the drums.

Literally a man with a keyboard standing between 2 trees (in a park)

Honestly he is LITERALLY a man with a keyboard standing between 2 trees (in a park)! Literally.

Now YOU decide!

Jesus and Judas had always got on well with Jesus helping Judas with the odd miracle hither and tither. When Judas invited 5000 of his closest mates to a beach party and failed to lay on any food other than 2 loaves of bread and some fish, Jesus stepped in and quickly whipped something up.

But Jesus wouldn’t help with a proposed new foot-washing business and Judas retaliated by playing a few pranks. He replaced Jesus’s horse with a little donkey, making him look a right berk as he rode into Jerusalem, and then loosened the top on the salt seller at the last supper, ruining Jesus’s potato waffles.

Jesus always turned the other cheek but the shit really hit the fan when Jesus refused to turn 500 litres of carbonated water into Champagne, leaving Judas 30 pieces of silver out of pocket.

In other news, on page 3 we meet Eve, from Eden, age unknown. She’s as naked as the day she was…created from one of Adam’s ribs.  She likes apples but dislikes rules!

Bill Murray

Bill fucking Murray. Bill Groundhog Day, Ghostbustin’-ass Muwway. A God amongst men. It can’t be possible to love a man more than we love Bill Murray.

Bill Shakespeare

He wrote some plays and that. This isn’t from one of them.

Bill O’Reilly

He may be a right wing Fox News tool but he sure can go mental with the best of ‘em.

And here’s the REMIX!

The Bill

Does TV get better than a couple of coppers’ feet walking down a pavement? Yes. Yes it does.

Bill Hicks

One of the all time top ten stand-up comics.

Billy Ray Cyrus

One of all time top ten mullets.

$100 dollar bill

About £64-ish in one note!

Kill Bill

Vintage Quentin.

A duck’s bill

Classic Daffy.

Bill of human rights

There’s some stuff about it on wikipedia. In the meantime here’s some more Bill Murray.

The Bills are in. Now YOU DECIDE!
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

ps – Some Bills that didn’t quite make the list: Bailey, Gates, Cosby, Tax. Here’s Bill Murray smoking a cigarette on a diving board.

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Twilight

See Bella (girl). See Edward (vampire).
Bella like Edward. Edward like Bella.
Bella in trouble.
See Edward run (super-humanly-fast)
Run Edward, run (super-humanly-fast).
Edward save Bella.
Some kissing.
THE END

Eddie running like a mad fool (to save Bella no doubt)

Twilight Saga: New Bloody Moon

See Jacob (werewolf) with no shirt on
Some kissing
THE END

————————————————————————————————————-

Print off, cut out and keep the 2 books in your wallet for future reference.

So now you’re all caught up – whats the new film like? Well we haven’t seen it but we’re gonna go out on a limb and guess.
Utter cack. No stars (out of 20)

John Cleese being awesome.

Here’s a clip of Jimmy Cricket in ALL his glory. Check out those wellies!

And here’s vintage James Corden being both fat and a cunt.

“Cliff is the all-time best-seller when it comes to Danilo’s calendars with total sales of more than 1.50 million calendars over the years. In the ladies’ list, Kylie Minogue is the top seller with a meagre 750,000 copies!”

A meagre 750,000 copies? Unlucky Kylie. (Cliff’s site conveniently ignores that he’s been selling calendars for decades longer so we will too)

Even worse news for Kylie is that, for 2010, Cliff has really raised his game and seems to have taken her sister Dannii’s best-selling 1997 calendar as inspiration for his next effort.

Cliff takes elements from February and October and distills them into a much more volatile formula.
See-through top showing a couple of plucky nipples – check.
On a beach – check
Arms out in suggestive pose, depending on both your sex and sexuality – check.

It’s a humdinger of a picture where Cliff is looking to the heavens and thinking of God as he imagines fondling both Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They say God is inside all of us, well he’s definitely “inside” Cliff in this picture.

I had Dannii’s 97 calendar and I loved it. There’s nothing like going to check the date and getting the bonus of seeing a couple of boobs. But Cliff’s is even better.

The real test of a calendar is what the picture is in May, my birthday month. Dannii’s was great. She was on a beach in a white dress that wasn’t see-through – unless it got wet of course. And check this – it WAS wet of course! The tide changes very quickly on those Aussie beaches which made for a bonza* birthday.

But Cliff has pulled out all the stops. In May he’s dressed himself in some Lara Croft get-up – a green t-shirt, white shorts (teasing us with just a little bit of leg) and a rope slung over his shoulder (showing he’s ready for a bit of hardcore adventuring!) If that wasn’t enough (and it was) he’s photo-shopped himself in over a backdrop of some deserty-looking stonage and glued a moon (full) in the top left corner for us even though it’s the day time! Thanks Cliff.

Cliff’s 2010 calendar is available in ALL good calendar shops for about £3 or you can buy a used one from Amazon for £27.52.

* Australian for banging.

It goes without saying that if juice gets into the wrong hands it can be very, very dangerous. But what is the most dangerous juice of all?

Orange Juice – concentrated!

The classic. Agent Orange.

Orange Juice – with bits!

Extra roughage.

Umbongo!

Jungle warfare.

Kia Ora!

Too orangey for crows, too massively racist for todays television but is it too dangerous for cops?

Sunny Delight!

Turns kids orange. And mental.

OJ Simpson!

Former American football player nicknamed “The Juice”. He went to star in 3 Police Academy films, 2 Murder Trials and 1 Armed Robbery and Kidnapping Trial. Currently serving nine years in prison.

The manifestos are in. Now YOU DECIDE!

On the one hand, good ol’ Patrick’s jokes weren’t that great (they were terrible) but on the other hand, James Corden really is a fat cunt. He also squared up to a man who’s 69. Nice one, James.

Patrick did impart one piece of great advice for fat Corden – “If you fancy the Jonas Brothers, cover you’re belly.” That’s good advice and no mistake.

But the question is does James fancy the Jonas Brothers? There’s only one way to tell. He can either buy a Gin Riot exclusive “If you fancy the Jonas Brothers” T-SHIRT that covers up his fat belly proving once and for all that he doesn’t.

Or, he can buy a Gin Riot exclusive “If you fancy the Jonas Brothers” CROP TOP that shows off his “hideous” fat belly proving once and for all that he does (unless he’s just showing his belly as again as the punchline to his “joke”)

The choice, James, is yours.

Prices start from £99.99 and sizes available for James are XXXXL or medium.