Gin Riot » Jesus

EXCLUSIVE: JESUS’S LAST WORDS

admin — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:45:29 +0000

A newly discovered paper from Good Friday 30 AD, The Jerusalem Bugel, has revealed Jesus saw the funny side of Judas’s final prank on him. His last words were “That BLOODY Judas. LOL!”

“One minute we were just having a bit of a cheeky kiss, the next minute I was being nailed to a cross. For my sins.” Jesus chuckled. “Fair play he did me all ends up. I feel like a proper Charlie,” he added.

Jesus and Judas had always got on well with Jesus helping Judas with the odd miracle hither and tither. When Judas invited 5000 of his closest mates to a beach party and failed to lay on any food other than 2 loaves of bread and some fish, Jesus stepped in and quickly whipped something up.

But Jesus wouldn’t help with a proposed new foot-washing business and Judas retaliated by playing a few pranks. He replaced Jesus’s horse with a little donkey, making him look a right berk as he rode into Jerusalem, and then loosened the top on the salt seller at the last supper, ruining Jesus’s potato waffles.

Jesus always turned the other cheek but the shit really hit the fan when Jesus refused to turn 500 litres of carbonated water into Champagne, leaving Judas 30 pieces of silver out of pocket.

In other news, on page 3 we meet Eve, from Eden, age unknown. She’s as naked as the day she was…created from one of Adam’s ribs. She likes apples but dislikes rules!

JC’s – the definitive list

admin — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 12:38:06 +0000

Ever since Jesus Christ came down from Heaven(?) to kick about on Earth for 30 odd years, everyone has been clamouring for a list ranking people with the initials JC from “Awesome” down to “Utter Shit.” Well stop the clamouring, here is the definitive list.

John Cleese being awesome.

Here’s a clip of Jimmy Cricket in ALL his glory. Check out those wellies!

And here’s vintage James Corden being both fat and a cunt.

Happy Xmas from Gin Riot

admin — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 09:28:15 +0000

To celebrate the birth of a certain lil’ baby being born in a stable and all that jazz, here’s Tommy acting the absolute be-Jesus out of being a Christmas tree in this video for Firebelly.

Just imagine it says Gin Riot at the end. xx

Guide to Brixton. Part 1 – Drugs

admin — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 00:04:20 +0000

Brixton doesn’t have a great reputation for…well…anything really, but insiders know it has a lot to offer. For instance…

FACT: Brixton has the best drug dealers in the world.

Fed up of paying top whack for your smack or crack? This weekend, tube* it down to Brixton, turn left out of the station and by the time you’ve got to the corner by KFC you’ll have been offered great deals by at least five fine, young entrepreneurs.

They’re all offering a kind of “Sainsbury’s Basic’s range” of pretty much every drug under the sun. Like the Basics range they’re not top line produce (for instance the cocaine might not be actual cocaine but maybe baking soda laced with rat poison) but one’s thing for sure your nose will be bleeding like buggery and isn’t that half (50%) of the fun?

Customer service is excellent and they don’t discriminate – even if you’re a businessman in your sixties they’ll still offer you pills, coke and skunk!

Below is photo of a Christian Rock Band who came to Brixton to with a message of Jesus (and a back catalogue of shit songs) and left with a hardcore heroin addiction (and some banging tunes).

So Saturday, we’ll see you on the corner by KFC!

* Brixon tube station is shut at least 6 weekends out of 7.