There are certain things in life worth fighting against - war, famine, injustice and Michael McIntyre. Sure, his fat face is everwhere these days but that doesn’t mean we have to stand for it.

The fightback starts here with a poem written by God, read by Tommy.

Check this. Apparently poems don’t have to rhyme, so good luck finding a rhyme in this baby.

This isn’t technically a poem, it’s a list. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less hard hitting or up to the minute. Just ask Moses.

Where I grew up poetry was considered a bit (beat-up-able proportions of) poncy. But since then Eminem has come along, wowed the world, made the impossible possible and now…well it’s still considered (smack-your-head-in-levels of) wrong. But HEY! I don’t live there anymore so here’s one of my efforts.

Backstory: The girl of my affections was about to leave the country for ever  at the end of February. Valentines Day was my last ditch attempt to win her over. My plan to win her heart involved a mixture of humour, affection and a picture of a fluffy kitten. (picture first, poem second)

So…did it work? Did it fuck.