Tag Archives: louis walsh

X-Factor shocker!

Last night’s X-Factor was utter shit. Our two favourite acts were in the sing-off. On the one hand there was Lucie Jones, who is hot, Welsh and can actually sing and on the other hand there was “John and Edward”, who are “John and Edward”.

It was an impossible decision, almost exactly like the one in Batman Forever (which is also utter shit – click here for our review) when Batman has to choose between saving the two people he loves most in the world – his best bud Robin and whatever bird he was banging in Batman Forever .

Right then. Okay. So, what have we got? Batman was the public. Simon Cowell is the evil Two Face. “John and Edward” are/is Robin. Lucie is whatever that bird was called. Um, The Riddler is, let’s say, Louis. Dermot is …Commisioner Gordon – was he in that film? Cheryl is that brain-wave collecting device thingy. And those evil frogmen things are……. Danni and the rest of the finalists!  I mean it’s not exactly the same but it is a little bit the same.

Simon is definitely Two Face, though. Don’t pretend you don’t want or need “John and Edward” in the competition. Don’t call them “horrific” and “apalling” and then save them the first time they’re in trouble. Just admit that they have to be there because the rest of the acts are pretty damn boring.

And there’s no-one more boring than Olly Murs. He manages to combine parts of Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow but unfortunately it’s Robbie’s voice with Gary’s looks and that’s exactly the wrong way around.

Olly shuffled about the stage looking like he was trying to use his feet to sand the floor in a kind of wax-on-wax-off approach from Karate Kid (which is awesome by the way – click here for our review).

To his credit, he has got a permanent shit-eating grin across his wide face which makes him look a bit like Buzz Lightyear, but nowhere near as cool. It’s supposed to be a singing competition though, not a grinning competition. If “John and Edward” are infinity away from average (and they are) then Olly is average “to infinity and beyond” and you can’t get more average than that.

But he’s probably going to win and will join the ranks of previous male “winners” Steve Brookstein (singing now in a Pizza Express near you), Shayne Ward (singing now in a Butlins near you) and Leon Jackson (?). You remember them, guys. Right? Guys? No?

Also, Leona came back to sing a song that was so boring I forgot how it went while I was still listening to it. She did whack the reverb on her microphone up to 11, which is an excellent amount of reverb,  so we now know how she’d sound singing in St. Paul’s Cathederal.

Then Dermot interviewed her and man, she is dull as fuck. Sure, she’s got a great voice but she’s got absolutely no personality. And this was the one time she could have said something interesting. She got smashed in the face by a mentalist the other week!

Leona: What have I been up to? Oh, you know. Chilling out. Singing some days, signing books others. Oh yeah! I got smashed in the face by a mentalist the other week. LOL!

But, no. Nothing.  Simon always says she’s exactly the same person who first walked in to audition all those years ago but that’s the problem. She was dull as fuck then as well.

Anyway, we’ll miss you Lucie because you were hot, Welsh and could actually sing which should have been enough to win. Now, we’re fully backing “John and Edward” who could release one of the awesome-most Xmas No.1′s of all time!

By the way, at the end of Batman Forever he somehow manages to save both Robin and that bird he’s banging. I can’t remember how – it really is utter shit.

john and edward

In the Power Rangers there are five martial-arts-type dudes who, by themselves, are nothing to write home about. But when they combine their powers they become this really big thing (I think) which is called something or other and is boss as fuck!

Well, there’s a similar phenomenon on this year’s X-Factor involving two identical twins from Dublin. Apart, they’re just plain old “John” and “Edward”, but together… they are… “John and Edward!” and they are even bosser as fuck than that Power Rangers thing.

So far, they’ve laughed, they’ve cried, they’ve completely ruined another act’s chances at Bootcamp. They’ve generally been an absolute shower of shite and throughout it all they’ve consistently proved that they have little to no talent at all! But Louis liked ‘em enough to choose them to be one of his acts and thank Christ he did (“Thanks Christ”) because in Week 1 of the live shows they upped the ante even further.

The lights went down, some crap Robbie Williams song started playing and the twins were lowered by rope onto the stage. But something had changed. While they themselves still looked absolutely identical, their clothes now did not look absolutely identical. In a Louis Walsh masterstroke they were dressed like ying and yang with John (or Edward?) wearing a white coat and Edward (or John?) in a black coat! You still didn’t know who was who but you damn well knew when they switched positions.

They pratted about for a bit and then on 1 min 50 the real magic happened. They jumped off a platform, turned to face each other and embarked on some kind of new millenium, bastardized Charleston dance – which hopefully they’ll do every week.

Naturally it was easily enough to keep them in the competition where ideally they’ll stay until around Week 8 or 9 and then they can fuck off forever.

Here’s how the Charleston used to be done before John and Edward (John and Edward) awesomed it up to high heaven.

And here’s old Season 3 favourites the MacDonald Brothers singing Fernando, which has at 1 min 50 (a recurring time for talentless brothers) what Simon Cowell describes as the worst guitar solo he has ever heard in his life! Go MacDonald Brothers!