Last night’s X-Factor was utter shit. Our two favourite acts were in the sing-off. On the one hand there was Lucie Jones, who is hot, Welsh and can actually sing and on the other hand there was “John and Edward”, who are “John and Edward”.
It was an impossible decision, almost exactly like the one in Batman Forever (which is also utter shit – click here for our review) when Batman has to choose between saving the two people he loves most in the world – his best bud Robin and whatever bird he was banging in Batman Forever .
Right then. Okay. So, what have we got? Batman was the public. Simon Cowell is the evil Two Face. “John and Edward” are/is Robin. Lucie is whatever that bird was called. Um, The Riddler is, let’s say, Louis. Dermot is …Commisioner Gordon – was he in that film? Cheryl is that brain-wave collecting device thingy. And those evil frogmen things are……. Danni and the rest of the finalists! I mean it’s not exactly the same but it is a little bit the same.
Simon is definitely Two Face, though. Don’t pretend you don’t want or need “John and Edward” in the competition. Don’t call them “horrific” and “apalling” and then save them the first time they’re in trouble. Just admit that they have to be there because the rest of the acts are pretty damn boring.
And there’s no-one more boring than Olly Murs. He manages to combine parts of Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow but unfortunately it’s Robbie’s voice with Gary’s looks and that’s exactly the wrong way around.
Olly shuffled about the stage looking like he was trying to use his feet to sand the floor in a kind of wax-on-wax-off approach from Karate Kid (which is awesome by the way – click here for our review).
To his credit, he has got a permanent shit-eating grin across his wide face which makes him look a bit like Buzz Lightyear, but nowhere near as cool. It’s supposed to be a singing competition though, not a grinning competition. If “John and Edward” are infinity away from average (and they are) then Olly is average “to infinity and beyond” and you can’t get more average than that.
But he’s probably going to win and will join the ranks of previous male “winners” Steve Brookstein (singing now in a Pizza Express near you), Shayne Ward (singing now in a Butlins near you) and Leon Jackson (?). You remember them, guys. Right? Guys? No?
Also, Leona came back to sing a song that was so boring I forgot how it went while I was still listening to it. She did whack the reverb on her microphone up to 11, which is an excellent amount of reverb, so we now know how she’d sound singing in St. Paul’s Cathederal.
Then Dermot interviewed her and man, she is dull as fuck. Sure, she’s got a great voice but she’s got absolutely no personality. And this was the one time she could have said something interesting. She got smashed in the face by a mentalist the other week!
Leona: What have I been up to? Oh, you know. Chilling out. Singing some days, signing books others. Oh yeah! I got smashed in the face by a mentalist the other week. LOL!
But, no. Nothing. Simon always says she’s exactly the same person who first walked in to audition all those years ago but that’s the problem. She was dull as fuck then as well.
Anyway, we’ll miss you Lucie because you were hot, Welsh and could actually sing which should have been enough to win. Now, we’re fully backing “John and Edward” who could release one of the awesome-most Xmas No.1′s of all time!
By the way, at the end of Batman Forever he somehow manages to save both Robin and that bird he’s banging. I can’t remember how – it really is utter shit.