Tag Archives: olly murs

take that condoms

Hot on the heels of JLS releasing their own brand of condoms, Take That are now planning to do the same.
C'mon guys, Just Love Safe.

Whereas the JLS johnnys are designed for a sensual approach, the Take That condoms are ideal for the back-of-a-taxi moment or down-an-alley encounter.

Each member of the group will have their own coloured box with their face on it and there will be subtle differences in the products. Gary Barlow’s are for fat cocks, Mark Owen’s for the smaller man and the Robbie Williams condoms must be kept in the closet.

But Scientists warn that although the Jason Orange and Howard Donald ones may look like perfectly good condoms but they don’t actually do anything.

Other pop stars thought to be cashing in are Olly Murs who is releasing his own lubricant made from pure grease and Shakin’ Stevens who has inspired a new brand of vibrator.

The Jedward Legacy

If two weeks ago X-Factor was like the end of Batman Forever (and it definitely was) then last night’s X-Factor was like the end of Titanic.

The audience was Rose, “John and Edward” were/was the lad Leo played and Olly was the plank that Rose floated off on after Leo died – leaving us/me in floods of tears.

What was especially cruel about it was “John and Edward” had already paid homage to Titanic in their stunning rendition of “Oops, I did it again”, where John (or Edward) had gone down to get the jewel that the “old lady” threw in the ocean at the end to give to Edward (or John).

So they’ve gone but they’ll never be forgotten. Not with the legacy they’ve left behind. In their time on the show they’ve covered Britney (who we love!), Ghostbusters (which we love!), and Ice Ice Baby (which we love!). They even covered a song by Robbie Williams (who we hate!) and made us like that!!!

But bigger than that, they’ve given pride back to white rappers across the globe. They’ve picked up where Vanilla Ice left off with their dancing, lyrical flow and vertical hair. No one can deny that when “John and Edward” rock the mic they ROCK THE MIC, YO!

With that in mind, here’s a list of the best white rappers in history.

5. The British Eminem
This guy can flow. Make sure you catch his improvised freestyle at the end and his pronounciation of Louis Walsh.

When you can bust rhymes on demand, like “Simon Cowell/He thinks he’s it/ He’s nothing but… an asshole!” and “Louis Wash…your not… your band Westlife, they’re okay/ but you’re a fucking asshole!” and then walk off camply, with your shirt tucked in to your trousers, you don’t need the X-Factor, you’re already there.

4. Vanilla Ice
He had the hair, he had the looks, he had the moves – unfortunately he didn’t have an identical twin so he isn’t higher up the list. He did, however, have enough genius about him to combine rap with the Ninja Turtles. Go ninja, go ninja, GO!

3. Blazin Hazen
This “Average Homeboy” was willing to knock on as many doors as it took to catch his big break. The audio is rough, sure, but that cause he wrote the music himself on a keyboard.

Roll the footage – you’ll be “Blazed”

He’s right as well, there aren’t many middle class rappers out there – especailly ones willing to make homoerotic videos.

2. Ant and Seb
Almost a prototype for John and Edward – apart, they were plain old Anton and Seb but together they were “Ant and Seb” (maybe they still are). They were like the Welsh P Diddy and Usher, though when Anton sang by himself he was like Rick Astley.

Here they pick a Peter Andre song, which Ant sings and Seb freestyles over, then they pick a fight with Simon.

1. John and Edward (obviously)
The last (sob) performance of “John and Edward” on X-Factor.

Oh, also Eminem is quite good.

Ice Ice Jedward

Saturday’s X-Factor started with Simon Cowell staring straight down camera WWF (or WWE) style to call out Sting for insulting the show. It was Simon vs Sting. Finally we’d find out the answer to the age old physics conundrum “What happens when an irrestistible force meets an immovable bell end?” The answer: Not too much.

Sting had criticised the show for being full of karaoke non-hopers, which it pretty much is but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s a total bell end. Simon was riled and fired back by….inviting him on the show?

If Sting does ever turn up hopefull he’ll be ambushed by Hollywood Hulk Hogan (best wrestler ever) and The Rock (also the best wrestler ever) and forced to promise to never release another album of him playing the lute or whatever other crazy shenanigans he’s up to these days.

And the drama didn’t end there. “John and Edward” continued their excellent adventure towards achieving total awsome-ness.

That was the end of any drama. Jamie got voted out which was bound to happen. He was nice enough but really there’s no place for rockers on a pop show. He needs to really go for it now to make up for this – get a band and develop a massive heroin habit. At the moment Whitney Houston is more rock than he is.

And then there was the trademark dullness of Olly Murs. Even a broken finger couldn’t stop him and his relentless middle-of-the-road-ness, which raises the questions – “What does he have to break to stop him?” and “Who can we get to do it?”

He’s like a non-alcoholic lager. He’s like when you managed to pull at a party when you were 14 and you’d end up in a room kissing, and rubbing against each other but remaining fully clothed. Its nice enough for the first 30 seconds but soon gets boring, then frustrating, then outright annoying until it all just gets too much so you have to leave the room and go back downstairs to try to have a fight with Andrew Roley.

Basically, Olly is like dry humping after a night drinking Kaliber.

Quick “John and Edward” FACT: John has pointy ears!

Thanks to Tulna Shah for sending us The Daily Mirror Jedward Files