Tag Archives: whitney houston

Ice Ice Jedward

Saturday’s X-Factor started with Simon Cowell staring straight down camera WWF (or WWE) style to call out Sting for insulting the show. It was Simon vs Sting. Finally we’d find out the answer to the age old physics conundrum “What happens when an irrestistible force meets an immovable bell end?” The answer: Not too much.

Sting had criticised the show for being full of karaoke non-hopers, which it pretty much is but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s a total bell end. Simon was riled and fired back by….inviting him on the show?

If Sting does ever turn up hopefull he’ll be ambushed by Hollywood Hulk Hogan (best wrestler ever) and The Rock (also the best wrestler ever) and forced to promise to never release another album of him playing the lute or whatever other crazy shenanigans he’s up to these days.

And the drama didn’t end there. “John and Edward” continued their excellent adventure towards achieving total awsome-ness.

That was the end of any drama. Jamie got voted out which was bound to happen. He was nice enough but really there’s no place for rockers on a pop show. He needs to really go for it now to make up for this – get a band and develop a massive heroin habit. At the moment Whitney Houston is more rock than he is.

And then there was the trademark dullness of Olly Murs. Even a broken finger couldn’t stop him and his relentless middle-of-the-road-ness, which raises the questions – “What does he have to break to stop him?” and “Who can we get to do it?”

He’s like a non-alcoholic lager. He’s like when you managed to pull at a party when you were 14 and you’d end up in a room kissing, and rubbing against each other but remaining fully clothed. Its nice enough for the first 30 seconds but soon gets boring, then frustrating, then outright annoying until it all just gets too much so you have to leave the room and go back downstairs to try to have a fight with Andrew Roley.

Basically, Olly is like dry humping after a night drinking Kaliber.

Quick “John and Edward” FACT: John has pointy ears!

Thanks to Tulna Shah for sending us The Daily Mirror Jedward Files

John and Edward rock the mic!!

“There are two certainties in life: Death and Taxes!”  -  so said God on one of his ill received mid-80 ‘s BC electro albums.

Well, big guy, you can add “John and Edward” rocking the microphone to that list of certainties and take off taxes – celebrity hypocrite fuckbag Bono managed to get out of them pretty easily by moving U2’s entire song catalogue from Ireland to Amsterdam. Wanker.

Anyway, I digress, the saying should now read “There are two certainties in life: Death, and “John and Edward” rocking the microphone.”

And how? On Saturday they stepped it up again. Virtually no girls, let alone lads, would have braved singing that Britney song, in those Britney outfits, with that arm-linking dance-routine and then looking into each others eyes as they did the talky bit about the old bint from the end of Titanic. But “John and Edward” did and even added a gay-incestuous-twin-vibe to proceedings – perhaps the rarest of all the vibes.

Of course, vocally they weren’t very good. They weren’t even good. Or average. Or even poor. They were fucking awful but that’s what rocking the microphone is all about – being as far away from mediocre as possible and “John and Edward” are infinity away. That’s how awesome/awful they are.

Who knows how they’re gonna top this? Hopefully at some point in the competition they’ll both cross-dress as school girls and try a gay-incestuous-twin-vibe version of the Britney-Madonna lesbian kiss.

And what about poor ol’ Whitney Houston’s performance? Well, she should get back to her crack addiction. John and Edward are where it’s at!