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Competition Time

Christmas is almost upon us and we’re feeling festive here at Gin Riot. So we’ve had some of the country’s top scientists devise an incredible crossword for you to solve.

Not only does this crossword perfectly sum up Christmas but it also promises the prize of per’aps the awesome-most film ever made – Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

“The most titanic struggle ever witnessed between two mythical beasts, defying the laws of nature and threatening the entire (sic) of humanity in a vicious battle to certain death!”

Here’s the trailer – in HD!!!!!

This battle between two “mythical” (? – we’d never heard of either one of them before) beasts is the age old Goliath vs. Goliath (there’s no deadwood – eff off David). And they don’t waste either “mythical” beast. What’s the point of having an Octopus unless it’s gi-normous enough to smash a helicopter out of the sky with a mahoosive tentacle? Or having a shark unless it’s mega enough (and angry enough) to eat a bridge or a plane?

Stars Debbie Gibson (of 80′s pop fame) and Lorenzo Lama s (that bellend out of Renegade (which is also awesome)).

“Unwatchable” – The Sunday Times
“The actors are all appropriately terrible” – The Huffington Post
“Risible special effects and clumsy acting” – The Observer
“The acting is terrible and not in a good way” – View London
“It is awesome” – Gin Riot

Send us your crossword answers on a postcard (not literally of course- email us or leave answers in the comments) and the first one drawn out of the hat by my good pal Sammy will win a DVD!

mega shark vs. giant octopus

It is awesome.

Darren’s second moet reply

Scroll down to read Darren’s second reply (of three) to Moet and Chandon – complete with a stunning photo of the cork he sent them!

Here’s the whole epic saga in full – starting with the letter sent to 14 champagne companies. Click on any image to enlarge.

And now Darren’s second reply.

Darren’s first Moet reply

A great friend of the site, Oli Hudson, once told us that if a champagne company sends you 2 letters in a row then the ONLY thing you can do is send them 3 in a row back. It seems to apply perfectly to this situation.

To read the earlier letters in this epic saga, follow the links below.

1. Darren’s first letter

2. Moet’s reply

3. Moet’s follow up letter

And now Darren’s first reply. Click on image to enlarge.

Part 2 coming soon.

The Jedward Legacy

If two weeks ago X-Factor was like the end of Batman Forever (and it definitely was) then last night’s X-Factor was like the end of Titanic.

The audience was Rose, “John and Edward” were/was the lad Leo played and Olly was the plank that Rose floated off on after Leo died – leaving us/me in floods of tears.

What was especially cruel about it was “John and Edward” had already paid homage to Titanic in their stunning rendition of “Oops, I did it again”, where John (or Edward) had gone down to get the jewel that the “old lady” threw in the ocean at the end to give to Edward (or John).

So they’ve gone but they’ll never be forgotten. Not with the legacy they’ve left behind. In their time on the show they’ve covered Britney (who we love!), Ghostbusters (which we love!), and Ice Ice Baby (which we love!). They even covered a song by Robbie Williams (who we hate!) and made us like that!!!

But bigger than that, they’ve given pride back to white rappers across the globe. They’ve picked up where Vanilla Ice left off with their dancing, lyrical flow and vertical hair. No one can deny that when “John and Edward” rock the mic they ROCK THE MIC, YO!

With that in mind, here’s a list of the best white rappers in history.

5. The British Eminem
This guy can flow. Make sure you catch his improvised freestyle at the end and his pronounciation of Louis Walsh.

When you can bust rhymes on demand, like “Simon Cowell/He thinks he’s it/ He’s nothing but… an asshole!” and “Louis Wash…your not… your band Westlife, they’re okay/ but you’re a fucking asshole!” and then walk off camply, with your shirt tucked in to your trousers, you don’t need the X-Factor, you’re already there.

4. Vanilla Ice
He had the hair, he had the looks, he had the moves – unfortunately he didn’t have an identical twin so he isn’t higher up the list. He did, however, have enough genius about him to combine rap with the Ninja Turtles. Go ninja, go ninja, GO!

3. Blazin Hazen
This “Average Homeboy” was willing to knock on as many doors as it took to catch his big break. The audio is rough, sure, but that cause he wrote the music himself on a keyboard.

Roll the footage – you’ll be “Blazed”

He’s right as well, there aren’t many middle class rappers out there – especailly ones willing to make homoerotic videos.

2. Ant and Seb
Almost a prototype for John and Edward – apart, they were plain old Anton and Seb but together they were “Ant and Seb” (maybe they still are). They were like the Welsh P Diddy and Usher, though when Anton sang by himself he was like Rick Astley.

Here they pick a Peter Andre song, which Ant sings and Seb freestyles over, then they pick a fight with Simon.

1. John and Edward (obviously)
The last (sob) performance of “John and Edward” on X-Factor.

Oh, also Eminem is quite good.

Sunday Drinker Wine Review 4

The very FOURTH Sunday Drinker Wine Review ever!!!

New Moon Review

It’s a bit of a tightrope walk being a celebri-paedo. They are either absolutely fantasized over by millions of teenage girls, as Edward Cullen is - around 100(!) years old but still hanging out in schools waiting for bait that he just can’t resist.

Or they are reviled, hated and stuck in prison like Gary Glitter, a measly (compared to old Edward) 65 but still an absolute effing C-bag.

Poor old Gary. There’s very little between them.They even have exactly the same hairstyle.

And that’s not where the similarities end! Well…actually it is where they end. At least Gary released 2 banging songs before everyone realised what an absolute effing C-bag. What has Edward Cullen ever done? Nothing probably.

Right then, the review.

SPOILER ALERT: Twilight and all the sequels are absolute cack.

Obviously we haven’t read or seen any of them – and never will – but if we had to guess then we reckon Bella will totally become a vampire in the end. It’s that shit.

There will be some to-ing and fro-ing, and she’ll like that Werewolf dude for a film because he’s got good abs, but Robert Pattinson has signed on to play Edward Cullen again in the third film so she’s bound to hook up with him and settle down in the last part of the trilogy.

She’ll probably need some reason to leave her totally awesome family who she totally loves, so either they all get totally killed OR they totally will get killed if she doesn’t become a vampire OR he totally gets her up the stick. OR something else equally totally shit.

Who knows? Not us! That’s for sure!!!!

We give New Moon – No Stars.

another reply

It turns out, letters from champagne companies are a lot like buses. You wait about a month for one to come along and then Moet & Chandon start stalking you.

The old postal strike may have delayed their first letter (click here to read) getting here, but now we’ve received a follow up only 4 days later which, frankly, smacks of desperation.

Bloody chill out, Moet & Chandon.

At least they haven’t cut all the letters out individually and glued them on.

Don’t worry guys, we will get back to you. And we’ll send you a cork. Or two (probably 3).

Ice Ice Jedward

Saturday’s X-Factor started with Simon Cowell staring straight down camera WWF (or WWE) style to call out Sting for insulting the show. It was Simon vs Sting. Finally we’d find out the answer to the age old physics conundrum “What happens when an irrestistible force meets an immovable bell end?” The answer: Not too much.

Sting had criticised the show for being full of karaoke non-hopers, which it pretty much is but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s a total bell end. Simon was riled and fired back by….inviting him on the show?

If Sting does ever turn up hopefull he’ll be ambushed by Hollywood Hulk Hogan (best wrestler ever) and The Rock (also the best wrestler ever) and forced to promise to never release another album of him playing the lute or whatever other crazy shenanigans he’s up to these days.

And the drama didn’t end there. “John and Edward” continued their excellent adventure towards achieving total awsome-ness.

That was the end of any drama. Jamie got voted out which was bound to happen. He was nice enough but really there’s no place for rockers on a pop show. He needs to really go for it now to make up for this – get a band and develop a massive heroin habit. At the moment Whitney Houston is more rock than he is.

And then there was the trademark dullness of Olly Murs. Even a broken finger couldn’t stop him and his relentless middle-of-the-road-ness, which raises the questions – “What does he have to break to stop him?” and “Who can we get to do it?”

He’s like a non-alcoholic lager. He’s like when you managed to pull at a party when you were 14 and you’d end up in a room kissing, and rubbing against each other but remaining fully clothed. Its nice enough for the first 30 seconds but soon gets boring, then frustrating, then outright annoying until it all just gets too much so you have to leave the room and go back downstairs to try to have a fight with Andrew Roley.

Basically, Olly is like dry humping after a night drinking Kaliber.

Quick “John and Edward” FACT: John has pointy ears!

Thanks to Tulna Shah for sending us The Daily Mirror Jedward Files

a reply! (x2)

A while back our main man Darren Reynolds sent a letter to Bollinger (which you can read by clicking here) to see if a posh champagne company could be bothered to reply to a common man.

Well, they couldn’t be bothered. But luckily Darren adopted a carpet bombing approach and sent the same letter to fifteen other champagne companies. And now…. he’s only gone and got TWO (count them) replies.

The best is this one from Mr Moet and Mrs Chandon. Click on image to enlarge.

Cattier were also kind enough to reply and enclosed a lovely technical drawing of a bottle (click here) so if you’ve always want to build your own bottle now you’ve got the design – get on with it. WARNING – Basic French required.

If you are going to splash out on champagne we now recommend Moet & Chandon or Cattier – but really Cava is a lot cheaper and tastes almost exactly the same (as far as we know).